I was discussing with my therapsit something when I was asked how I handled compliments.
Arguably, poorly. It's not that I refuse acceptance, but if they're too lofty I won't want to leave an inflated impression with someone or if they're non-specific I won't believe they've given themself enough time to actually consider the compliment.
"Wow! You're really good at coding" Someone might say. To which I would say "I understand how coding works and can write a little bit. But I am not someone anyone should go to for help. A rubber duck would be better."
Obviously, "good" in this sense is subjective. Maybe they don't mean "hacker" level coder. They could have merely wanted to provide a compliment that something I did/made impressed them. Would saying "You did a good job writing that!" mean more? Yes. Having a more specific thing to refer to, I think, makes it a more meaningful compliment actually. Getting an open ended compliment just makes my brain go "ok, but why?"
My therapist still managed to find 5 times in the last two sessions where I deflected compliments, though. Yikes.
Although, to be fair, one was about how I got a public speaking award for a debate I did in college. I genuinly believe I was chosen because I was the least bad of my class, which is not a compliment, and I find it a funny anectode in part because I had to speak in favor of GMOs. I just spun it as "everything is genetically modified" and fully got away with avoiding the actual harm companies like Monsatno cause. It was bad. And I was rewarded with having to present it to judges later. I didn't win, but we were all awarded for being selected amongst our peers.
Twenty years later, I don't talk to poeple in person and I write scripts when I make phone calls (assuming I don't make my partner call them for me). So no, I do not think I am good at public speaking.
I only don't really post online. This blog is a bit of a big deal. I don't even share a ton on social media. Or talk in discord, telegram, or twitch channels I'm in. I lurk.
But I almost posted on youtube the other day.
I do actually want to turn that into it's own full blog post, though. I just thought it was indicative of how I communicate with others.
I thought I had something to add to the conversation. Worked hard to keep it concise enough and realized I couldn't without sacrificing a lot of detail/nuance. That and it was about nsfw furry games, so I was going to have to keep light on language for youtube.
I do that a lot, though. I'm overly conscious/cautious of what I put online. Although I do write out posts I usually kill them before I hit send. I think about the "am i adding something of value to the conversation" and "do i want this online forever" and think "no." We don't need to talk about my self-confidence here.
This site as a repository for my thoughts is interesting because it's not like just anyone can find it and thus I feel less awkward sharing.
Anyway, I'm trying.[1]
-
The irony of writing this on Sept the 29th and not getting around to pushing it until the 21st of October. ↩